明日が見えない――。 

コンビニで、財布に残っていたお札で滞納していた健康保険料を支払うと、残るのはチャージ済みのわずかな電子マネーだけで、月末までやりくりしなければならない。 

毎日懸命に働いても、月の後半はいつもこんな調子で、不安を通り越して、もうバカバカしくすら思えてくる。夢遊病のように空を飛んでいるような、底なしの暗闇に落ちているような感覚だ。 

ああ……もう……っ！ 

何についてかはわからないが、苛立ちがつい唇からこぼれる。 

猫の鳴き声がする路地を抜けたところにある古いアパートの、誰も待っていない部屋に帰る。 

上着とカバンを放りだしたまま、電気を点けるのも面倒で、ソファに倒れ込むように沈む。 

スマホを取り出し、なんとなくSNSを眺めていると、誰かが感想をつぶやいている投稿を見つけ、昨晩録画した映画のことを思い出した。 

十五年ほど前の、クリスティーナ・アギレラが主演の、ダンサーを描いたロサンゼルス舞台の有名な映画。 

夜遅すぎて見られなかったため、録画していたのだ。 

「せっかくだから、スマホじゃなくタブレットで観ようか……」 

不遇なダンサー、心に響く力強い歌声。 

才能はあるが、運命は残酷だ。 

めくるめく光と影、きらびやかな照明と歓声、成功とは何か、喜びとは、人生とは――。 

彼女は踊り、歌う。 

タブレットの小さな画面でエンドロールが流れ続けるうちに、いつの間にかソファから立ち上がり、カーテンを開けた。 

がたつく窓を開け、斜め前に建つタワーマンションを見上げる。空中権か……日本でもあるのだろうか。 

手早くシャワーを浴び、ヨガと瞑想を済ませ、今日は寝る前のアルコールをやめておく。 

目覚ましをセットし、いつもより少し早く、彼女は眠りについた。 

朝が来て、また生きていく。ただそれだけ。

Unable to see tomorrow—.

At the convenience store, she uses the last bills left in her wallet to pay the overdue health insurance fee. All that remains is a small balance of prepaid digital money, which she must somehow stretch until the end of the month.

No matter how hard she works every day, the latter half of each month always feels like this—past anxiety and into a kind of weary absurdity. It is like drifting through the sky in a waking dream, or falling endlessly into a bottomless darkness.

Ah… damn it…!

She lets out a sigh of irritation, though she cannot quite name what she is angry at.

Passing through an alley where cats cry out, she returns to an old apartment building, to a room where no one is waiting.

She tosses aside her coat and bag, too tired even to turn on the lights, and collapses onto the sofa.

Taking out her phone, she idly scrolls through social media until a post catches her eye—someone sharing their thoughts on a film—and she remembers the movie she recorded the night before.

A well-known Los Angeles–set film from about fifteen years ago, starring Christina Aguilera and centered on dancers.

It had been too late to watch, so she had recorded it.

“Since I went to the trouble, maybe I’ll watch it on the tablet instead of my phone…”

An overlooked dancer, a powerful voice that resonates in the heart.

She has talent, yet fate is cruel.

A whirlwind of light and shadow, glittering illumination and roaring applause—what is success, what is joy, what is life—.

She dances. She sings.

As the end credits continue rolling across the small tablet screen, she finds herself standing up without noticing and pulling open the curtains.

She opens the rattling window and looks up at the tower apartment building rising diagonally across the street. Air rights… do they exist in Japan as well?

She quickly takes a shower, finishes her yoga and meditation, and decides to skip her usual pre-sleep drink tonight.

She sets her alarm and falls asleep a little earlier than usual.

Morning will come, and she will live again. That is all.

▶動画はこちら

バーレスクをこんなポーズでみてる／I see burlesque in this pose